Here at ELTRRR we have gotten our hands on the transcript of a very interesting job interview. We hope you will enjoy it. We also wonder if you would hire this man. If so, why?
Interviewer: Thanks so much for coming. Did you have any trouble getting here or finding the place?
Ronald: Thanks for having me. You know I had no problem getting here. I know this area very well. I have lots of friends in this area. Great friends. Smart people. Nice looking people. Also, I know some places reimburse potential employees for their transportation fees. I don’t need it or want it. I am self-financing this trip.
Interviewer: Oh, ok. Can you tell me why you are interested in the position of DoS at our school?
Ronald: Well first of all, I think I have a lot to offer you. You have some real problems here and I think I can help fix them. Real problems. Major problems.
Interviewer: Oh really? What sort of problems do we have?
Ronald: You are hiring the wrong people. All the wrong people. You are always hiring lightweights. I know some of these guys you hire don’t even have a CELTA. Losers. I know you have hired some total zeros. You can’t survive if you are hiring lightweights, losers, and stiffs like you have been doing. It is just not going to work.
Interviewer: So, uh, how would you do a better job hiring?
Ronald: I’d hire the best people. I’d get the best people, the smartest people, the best teachers, tremendous teachers and I’d hire them. When I work here we are going to have the best people. I am looking forward to saying, “you are fired” to a lot of these stiffs you have working here.
Ronald: I also think your teachers and the rest of the staff are too close. Too much fraternizing. I’d build a wall and make the non-teaching staff pay for it. That would solve a lot of problems.
I’d also look into hiring fewer non-native teachers. They are overrunning the place. We need some limits. It is like the hiring process is Swiss-cheese or something. Everyone gets in. We need some rules. These NNESTS are ruining the industry. You either have an industry or you don’t. Simple as that.
Another problem here is that you don’t win anymore. You used to win. Now you always lose. When I get here we are going to win against ECC. We are going to win against Berlitz. We are going to win and win and win. You are going to be sick of winning so much.
Interviewer: Uhh, how are we going to win so much?
Ronald: I am going to hire the best teachers. I am going to follow the best curriculum ideas. You know David Nunan, right? Great guy. Rich guy. Smart guy. Strong hands. Big hands. He is a friend of mine and we are going to use his ideas. We are going to use David Nunan’s ideas and make this school great again. I will read the best books and get the best ideas and implement them. It will be better than what you have now, which is crap.
Interviewer: I am still not really sure what you would do if you worked here.
Ronald: Win! You know, You have all these books. All these books from publishers. But you never negotiate. You just take the deals they give you. I know you got a horrible deal from Pearson on your materials. It is a disgrace. Sad. When I am the boss I will negotiate and win. You pay all this money and you get peanuts from them. Peanuts. It’s crazy. You need to negotiate. I can do it.
Interviewer: Then, what other changes would you make around here?
Ronald: OK. I’ve been here five minutes and I can see you have a problem. It’s bedlam. These students are running wild. They are like animals. They have no rules. They are cutting the heads of dolls and shouting and screaming. It is chaos. You need more discipline here. When I am in charge teachers will have the power to hit kids. You need to bring back corporal punishment. These kids need to learn. This is a very touchy subject but I am totally in favor of the stick. By the way, I have a big stick.
Interviewer: We don’t believe in hitting children here. And, also, it is against the law.
Ronald: The laws can be changed. We are going to look into a lot of different things. It is not fair, these kids are operating under a different set of rules and you need to be able to slap the shit of out them at times. The stick. Waterboarding. Sitting in the corner with dunce caps. Whatever. These kids need discipline. It is so hard to win when you are playing by a different set of rules. We have all these laws and rules and regulations. Some of these kids are animals. It is very hard to beat someone when you have rules and they don’t. We are going to be the best on discipline.
Ronald: Everything is so politically correct now. Ten years ago these kids wouldn’t get away with this but now they do. Right?
Interviewer: You’ve told us about our problems and how you can fix them. Can you tell us about yourself? For example, what are your strengths and weaknesses?
Ronald: As I have said, I am a winner. I also have a high IQ. I am very well-educated. I know words, I have the best words.
Interviewer: What about weaknesses?
Ronald: I am a winner and I will make this school great again. I am smart and hard-working and a winner. I am humble too. Some people think there is a problem with my humility but I guarantee you, there is no problem there. I guarantee it.
Interviewer: Errr, ok. Thank you. How are your people skills?
Ronald: I get along with people. I get along with everyone. I can deal with everyone. I was talking to Chomsky the other day. Great guy. He likes me. A lot of people think he wouldn’t like me, but we get along. Big league. I can get along with everyone. I think getting along with people is part of the job and I am the best at it.
Interviewer: I see. What other skills do you think are important for this job?
Ronald: I am very professional. I will be very professional. I will be the most professional worker you have ever seen. You will not believe how professional I am going to be. People always tell me I am the most professional they have ever seen.
Interviewer: That is good for you. I think I have heard just about enough. We will be in touch next week with our decision.
Ronald: Thank you. I am going to be great here. I am going to be the best DoS God ever created.